Trying to relax during vacation
Aug. 14th, 2021 07:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bucketlistpanicIt's another beautiful day in paradise. We walked along the beach, visited a flea market, and I got a lavender sachet to put in my backpack. Previously I had kept a small bottle of lavender essential oil in there, but the smell was so strong and I was always worried it might eventually leak. This sachet is softer in scent, has no liquid to leak, and I can refresh it with the oil when it starts to fade. Plus, I'm happy to support local crafters while I'm here.
I've been enjoying the second book in the Sovereign Stone trilogy by Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman. Husband found Mario All-Stars for Switch at the library and rented it, which means for the first time ever I can play Mario 64, Super Mario Sunshine, and Mario Galaxy! Husband's parents have been spoiling us both, cooking us whatever we want to eat. Husband and I have been spending lots of quality time together.
I think I've been doing a good job appreciating vacation, but my anxious brain still tries to interrupt with "what if" thoughts, and questioning whether or not everything is really okay.
"What if I get too hot on this walk? Am I okay? What if I get too thirsty? What if I'm not okay? What if I have a panic attack in this store, right in front of everybody? What if I ruin this whole vacation?"
Turning my attention back to my breath has worked, but I even had an anxious thought about that: What if my nose is ever stuffy and I can't breathe peacefully through it like usual? What if I get a cold and I have a sore throat and have to breathe through my mouth, which will irritate my throat even more?
It's true, I've panicked plenty of times while sick because of discomfort in my throat, and feeling like I couldn't breathe normally. But I've also gotten through sickness without panicking; that was while I was enrolled in a hospital program for people dealing with anxiety, OCD, PTSD, and phobias. While I was in that program, I became the most confident I had been in years about my mental health. Every day I was learning, getting braver, surrounded by other people like me, and mental health professionals. I felt like I could do anything. But it's been a couple years since then, and it's been up to me to remember what I learned there and to apply it. Then Covid happened, and suddenly I had a reason to avoid all my fears again, avoid other people, avoid going out, avoid germs, avoid doing anything but staying home and staying safe.
It's like everything's been reset and is scary again. Just gotta keep trying. Stay present, don't resist, let everything flow right through you.
I've been enjoying the second book in the Sovereign Stone trilogy by Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman. Husband found Mario All-Stars for Switch at the library and rented it, which means for the first time ever I can play Mario 64, Super Mario Sunshine, and Mario Galaxy! Husband's parents have been spoiling us both, cooking us whatever we want to eat. Husband and I have been spending lots of quality time together.
I think I've been doing a good job appreciating vacation, but my anxious brain still tries to interrupt with "what if" thoughts, and questioning whether or not everything is really okay.
"What if I get too hot on this walk? Am I okay? What if I get too thirsty? What if I'm not okay? What if I have a panic attack in this store, right in front of everybody? What if I ruin this whole vacation?"
Turning my attention back to my breath has worked, but I even had an anxious thought about that: What if my nose is ever stuffy and I can't breathe peacefully through it like usual? What if I get a cold and I have a sore throat and have to breathe through my mouth, which will irritate my throat even more?
It's true, I've panicked plenty of times while sick because of discomfort in my throat, and feeling like I couldn't breathe normally. But I've also gotten through sickness without panicking; that was while I was enrolled in a hospital program for people dealing with anxiety, OCD, PTSD, and phobias. While I was in that program, I became the most confident I had been in years about my mental health. Every day I was learning, getting braver, surrounded by other people like me, and mental health professionals. I felt like I could do anything. But it's been a couple years since then, and it's been up to me to remember what I learned there and to apply it. Then Covid happened, and suddenly I had a reason to avoid all my fears again, avoid other people, avoid going out, avoid germs, avoid doing anything but staying home and staying safe.
It's like everything's been reset and is scary again. Just gotta keep trying. Stay present, don't resist, let everything flow right through you.
