bucketlistpanic

On Sunday I ran completely out of Reglan, a medication that helps my digestion. I had thought I had another bottle but nope. I ate breakfast without it and my stomach got really bloated and uncomfortable, I tried lying down but had a panic attack. I took a Xanax and it took me about 10 minutes to calm down. I left a message for my doctor early that morning saying I needed a refill, but since it was Sunday, it wasn't going to be filled until the next day. I called my pharmacy and fortunately they gave me an emergency supply. That day we were supposed to visit our friends Lisa and Kurt but their kids got sick so it was cancelled. We went to a hotel and Colin watched the Lions game while I slept. Today I got an iced mocha latte from Dunkin Donuts and it was *really* good. I wish we had a Dunkin in town.

Anyway, I went to the psychologist appointment. He explained to me there wasn't a definitive test for ADHD. I had thought there was. He said there were symptoms from ADHD that overlapped with other problems, like depression and anxiety, making it difficult to diagnose. He asked me some questions and we talked for about an hour and a half, and he said it was clear to him that my major problem right now was not whether or not I have ADHD, but the fact that I am depressed. He recommended cognitive behavioral therapy, and said that he would be happy to work with me. I said I would think about it. I told Colin, and he was on board with me getting therapy, and told me not to worry about the cost or the time it would take and basically to quit feeling like I'm a burden. So, I guess I'll probably start therapy. I thought CBT was just for treating anxiety, but I guess it's supposed to work for depression too? It's hard to imagine forcing myself to be interested and motivated again but we'll see how it goes.

I texted Mom to let her know all of this, and asked how she's doing. She has a sinus infection, so boo! But she only has one week left to go of radiation, so hooray! While Sienna's on a cruise, I'm feeding her pet lizards and the bearded dragon bit me today! But it didn't hurt at all. I was giving her worms and she decided not to wait for me to drop it, so she bit my finger trying to get at the worm. It hurt more being bit by a budgie. Now I know beardie bites don't hurt :) And I put away our Xmas decorations today, so that's something.

Last night I went to bed at midnight and didn't wake up until 4 in the afternoon, that's 16 hours. I regularly sleep 12+ at a time, and even continue to feel tired after I get up. If I drink coffee, that helps me perk up, and then I might stay up 24 hours. My sleep schedule is *really* messed up, and it's affecting me and Colin in a negative way, so why am I so reluctant to talk to the doctor about it? Am I afraid it will turn out to be a symptom of something serious? Am I afraid she will simply tell me to try harder to get up and go to sleep at regular hours? I have tried, and it surprises me when I can't seem to sleep after being awake a long time. It surprises me when I go to bed early and still sleep 14-16 hours. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's annoying Colin that I won't bring it up to the doctor. I really should, the thought just makes me so anxious.

Possibly related, I watched a video today about ADHD in women, and it made me wonder if I have ADHD, if that explains some of my problems. I suppose I would have to see a psychologist to find out. Ah, that's one fear I have, that the doctor will say my sleep issues are a psychological problem and that I need to see a psych. I don't want to see a psychologist because they're so expensive, and I feel guilty for causing a financial burden on us. I always want to work out things on my own, if I can, for free or for much less money.

AHA, in writing this I figured it out! I'm afraid of how potentially EXPENSIVE it could be if I tell the doctor I'm still having sleep problems! I'm afraid of the cost of followup visits, tests, and treatments. I feel guilty and like a burden to my husband. I feel guilty that we've had to spend money on my mental issues in the past, but he's never had to seek counseling or a psychologist. I feel guilty for being The Weird One in our relationship, the one who seemingly always has some struggle to go through while he can just handle life like a normal person. Instead I seem to have big ups and downs. Colin's suggested before maybe I have bipolar disorder, but I brushed that off because haven't I seen enough psychologists that they would have diagnosed me by now? I don't know. I'm going to try really hard to make myself contact the doctor and tell her what's going on.

We made an offer on a house we like, and it's been accepted. The closing date is the end of February 2022. It's been inspected, and we're happy. AND, Colin can keep his current job and work remotely! Everything's coming up MILHOUSE! And Uncle Javier has recovered from Covid-19 and is back to posting climate change denial on Facebook, so yay for him.

Jan showed us three houses today, and we liked two out of three. They both had basements, both were in nice-looking neighborhoods, both had garages, and one had a big tub which we consider a bonus. So now we have a plan, Colin's going to check with the bank and then we'll make an offer on the house we originally liked best, but it's lower than the asking price. If that doesn't go through, our second and third choice are the two houses we like today.

In Covid news, my Uncle Javier is still on oxygen and he had to go see a specialist, but I don't know how it went yet. My dad continues to be a proud anti-vax anti-mask fool, which is really testing my attempts at being more Buddhist. I don't want to be so furious at him, it's unhealthy. Mom tells me now Uncle Jeff and Uncle Darren have it too. Even though they were also unvaccinated, It's easier to feel sympathy for them than for Uncle Javier, because they're actually *nice.*


I've finished lessons with my Russian teacher, he says I can use Duolingo to continue practicing pronunciation and building my vocabulary. I decided to add Czech to Duolingo too, but Duolingo doesn't do a good job of explaining anything, and CZ is a new language to me. I'll probably drop it and be content with speaking English to my Czech gamer friends.

Colin has been having pain in his back. He saw the doc and she recommended physical therapy, so he's been doing that at the hospital and also at home, but it hasn't been helping. He'll have to see the doc again, and they'll do a blood test. Hoping for the best.

The hotel seemed nice at first, but Quentin and Dana's bathroom had a leaky pipe, leaving a puddle on the floor. Our bedroom had some sort of screeching pipe that went off several times while we were trying to sleep. There was garbage left in the nightstand, including one of those little measuring cups that come with cold and flu medicine, making me think that the previous guest had been sick and the housekeeper did a poor job cleaning. I would know, I used to be a housekeeper and you're supposed to check all the drawers, it only takes a couple seconds. Our TV also does this thing where after a while of watching it gets dimmer and dimmer. At least the bed sheets aren't scratchy.

We arrived early our first day at the con because Quentin wanted to make sure he got some particular thing before it sold out. I was operating on about three hours of sleep but doing my best. There was a crowd waiting to get in, and when it was time to enter, everyone squeezed in around me and my anxiety spiked but I survived. I held Colin's hand or shirt most of the time, determined not to get separated. Quentin said this was about half the number of people that usually attend this thing. That sounds miserable to me. Glad it wasn't as crowded this year. I only saw one person walking around the hall without a mask. Some people were wearing those neck scarf things instead, which are not as effective as face masks. There was no social distancing. Some people were cosplaying, there was a designated area for them to pose for pictures. Quentin said normally there would be more.

We demo'd a few games together which was fun, but then Quentin and Dana demo'd a couple by themselves while Colin and I just walked around. I bought some pins, I have a little collection that I'll probably share on this blog another time. Also got a bendy dragon toy which I wore wrapped around my wrist like a bracelet. Didn't end up buying any games, but Q and Dana did. We went out to the food trucks for lunch and I got a nice chicken taco. We wandered around for a few hours more then Colin and I were ready to leave but Q and Dana were determined to demo a specific game before we left, called Carnac or something? We had to wait a long time, standing, and my feet were already hurting and my shoulders were getting sore from hauling a backpack. I was really grumpy by the time we sat down to play and I'm sure I didn't hide it well. After a few minutes I started to enjoy the game more but it still wasn't my kind of game, deck building games usually aren't.

After that we went out to eat at a pretty nice place. Colin got prime rib and I got chicken marsala that was excellent. It came with a baked potato that had just a huge ball of butter on top of it, like it was more butter than potato. Not complaining though! We took leftovers back to the hotel. Back the hotel we relaxed and I showered. We played a game Q and Dana bought called Picture Perfect, and it was fine. I might have liked it more if I weren't so exhausted.

Today I'm staying at the hotel, recovering. I woke up so sore. Colin understood and said it was probably a good idea for me to take a day off. I don't think cons are for me. Too many people, I like board games but not so much that I need to be the first person to try them, or buy limited edition things, or dress up in character. Tomorrow I'll probably go back to the con, then on Sunday morning we'll be headed back home. I'm looking forward to seeing the wind turbines, couldn't see them on the way in because it was dark.

Tomorrow is the trip for Gen Con. Quentin and Dana will pick us up in the evening. I'll be bringing my most comfy clothes, and a mask, maybe even two masks. We're all vaccinated but breakthrough cases are a thing, and we'll be indoors with a bunch of strangers. Last night I didn't get much sleep because my thoughts kept alternating between worrying about getting sick at Gen Con, and being mad at my sister and my family.

My sister and I had a public discussion on Facebook about mandatory vaccination, and it got a little out of hand. I was trying to be careful about being respectful, but the conversation was headed in directions I just didn't have the energy to go in, so I said we should just agree to disagree. I guess she thought I was dismissing her opinions in a rude way, because then she accused me of thinking that anyone who disagrees with me is just stupid. That really annoyed me, but I didn't want to escalate, so I just replied saying that wasn't true. Then I shut off the PC. When I got into bed later, my mind returned to the debate we had, and I got mad again. One negative thought kept leading to another, and another. Covid, anti-vaxxers, my relationship with my sister, my family, my family's beliefs, wishing I didn't care but caring deeply anyway. I had gone to bed around 2AM, then lied in bed trying and failing to go to sleep until around 4AM. Got up, watched some TV, drank some punch, got back to sleep some time after 5AM.

Colin confessed that he was having second thoughts about getting that house we liked. I was disappointed. He worried that we were buying at the worst time, at the peak of a bubble, that it was too big for us, that he wasn't sure if we could afford it. I don't know, it seemed like he thought we could afford it before. Colin says he has to look into company policy and see if they will let him work remotely, but he said that weeks ago. We haven't started on the pre-approval letter or been in touch with Jan since we told her we were interested in that house. I want to ask him about it, but as usual I am afraid of confrontation or annoying him. I've got to get some kind of job, then I won't feel this guilt anymore about how he does all the work. Then I'd be more comfortable voicing my concerns, knowing that I contribute financially too.

Anyway I just haven't been handling my stress well lately, resorting instead to old habits like stress-eating or escaping to video games instead.

It's so hard having anti-science relatives. It seems pointless to even try.

I ate too much and drank coffee too late, so now I have to stay up for a while before I can go to bed. My addiction to coffee is a serious problem. I have gastroparesis (slow stomach) so my diet is limited, or at least it *should* be if I want to follow doctor's orders. I do want to, and I have tried and failed to quit coffee many times. Some things were easier to give up than others. The latest thing I've managed to give up was beef. I love burgers! But the meat is fatty, greasy, and fiberous, terrible for my stomach. If only coffee could be the next thing to go. It gives me acid reflux every day, and I know damaging my esophagus can have serious consequences, and it hurts, but I just keep drinking it. Maybe tomorrow will be the day.

I told Colin that waiting to get the pre-approval letter for a mortgage was a bad idea. He seemed annoyed but he didn't argue with me. Then later we went for a drive and I imagined all my worst fears about that trip to Gen Con. This is called exposure. It worked as intended, I felt anxious and sad. Purposely didn't bring anything to comfort myself, didn't do any self-soothing, and just sat with the discomfort. Later Colin and I talked about it.

After the exposure I felt drained, and didn't feel like doing anything else on my to-do list. So I didn't get around to calling anyone. Maybe tomorrow. Played some Minecraft instead. We watched A Quiet Place 2, didn't like it. Tomorrow I should do another exposure but I sure don't want to.

All experience is preceded by mind,
Led by mind,
Made by mind.
Speak or act with a corrupted mind,
And suffering follows
As the wagon wheel follows the hoof of the ox.

All experience is preceded by mind,
Led by mind,
Made by mind.
Speak or act with a peaceful mind,
And happiness follows
Like a never-departing shadow.

Called an agent to see if we could see some houses. One of the houses was no longer available, but she thinks we could see the others on Sunday and Tuesday morning. She has to check with the owners and then she'll get back to me. Hope it works out, since it's not easy for us to head up there any ole time. I checked my credit score for the first time ever, and it's excellent, hooray! Mom said we should work on getting a letter of pre-approval from a bank. Colin is confident we can get one, we're just not sure exactly how to do it. We'll talk to her more about it when we get there. We leave tomorrow morning, hope we can get through Milwaukee before 11. She texted me a few more links today for houses, but none of them appeal to us. Colin found one more we both like, and it's a good price. When I spoke to the agent earlier, she noted that one house was much cheaper than the others, and asked why we liked that one. I answered that we were looking at both 2 bed and 3 bed homes, since I wanted to look at 3 bed and Colin thought 2 bed would be better. I said the 2 bed checked things we were looking for, including a basement. She asked what kind of basement we wanted, and I said basically any kind of basement would be good for me since I want a place to hunker down in case of a bad storm or tornado. She laughed and said they rarely get tornadoes, I said I know but I just want a basement. It felt awkward, didn't want to come out and say "Yeah but I'm seriously afraid of tornadoes and every time there's a storm I'm afraid it will turn into a tornado." I blame the tornado movies I saw as a kid.

I'm getting really excited about moving. Took our cat Cowboy to the vet yesterday and she said she could prescribe some soothing medicine for him to take before the move, that puts my mind more at ease. Colin seems to be getting more excited about moving too, as opposed to just stressed out. For a while I was worried that he would rather put everything off than get ready. But since he showed me a house he liked, I know he's getting more into it. Hope we can get that pre-approval from the bank soon, and that Colin will make time to see if he can keep his job and work remotely.

Another thing I'm looking forward to when we move is visiting with my brother more often. He keeps to himself, and he has anxiety like me. Not exactly like me, but I know it affects his life just as much if not moreso than mine. It will be good to see how he's doing for myself. It's good to have people around that you can relate to, and support each other.

My Giga Pet AR puppy arrived, and it's awesome! You can feed her and give her treats and teach her tricks and clean up her poop and give her a bath and throw her a frisbee and play fetch and look at meters for her happiness and hunger and cleanliness and discipline and take her to the vet and tell her to go to sleep and unlock achievements and she has cute animations yay! You can also get an app to go along with it on your phone but you don't have to, and I haven't bothered. I'll be bringing her with me everywhere :)